Children & Grief

Children & Grief

Death is a natural event, and it is still a difficult concept for all of us no matter our stage of life. We know an urge many caregivers have is to protect children from the pain of grief after a death. Experts agree that children, even the very young, should not be shielded from the death of a loved one. Children have the capacity to recognize death as an event and the curiosity to ask questions about it. The general advice is to talk to the child truthfully about the death, in an age-appropriate manner. Below we will help outline what is appropriate for each age group. We recognize that some of this information might feel overwhelming and extreme. Not all these behaviors happen with all children and youth, they are merely a range of possibilities. We want this information to help guide you in what normal and natural responses to loss are for different developmental stages. We know that some of these possibilities can feel scary and out of control. It is ok to get professional help for you and the young people in your care.


With children, depending on their age, stage, and developmental abilities, it may take many months (or longer) to process the whole concept of death. They will ask more questions when they are ready for the next step. Be aware that most adults provide too much information, try to just answer the question(s) that is asked.


Ask questions to determine what the child already knows about the situation for example, “Do you have any questions about what happened to Grandma?” You may then explain the situation simply and honestly. For instance, you may say, “Grandma’s heart stopped working, and she died.”

It is important to avoid giving answers that may confuse or frighten the child, such as “Grandma went to sleep and is not going to wake up” or “God took Grandma to be with the angels.” While these phrases are meant to comfort and soothe, the child may interpret them in a far more literal sense.  As a result, the child might develop a fear of going to sleep because they fear they might die too.

Allow the child to ask questions if they want, but do not pressure them if they do not have questions. A younger child may ask questions such as “Where is Grandma now?” or “Is my kitty in heaven?” Older children may comprehend the finality of death more fully and ask more abstract questions that are related to issues of faith, the meaning of life, etc.


For any age group, stick with truthful, simple answers the child can understand.

How do you explain the death of a loved one to a child?

The age and emotional development of a child will influence the way they experience grief and how adults need to address their grief experience.

Mom talking with young girl about death

Infants

Although babies do not usually cognitively recognize a death has occurred, they may experience some disruptions. Some behaviors you might notice are feeding or naptime changes or an increased need for attention, especially being held. Babies will often notice a change in caregivers and may not adjust easily. Each infant will be different in their response to a loss. Babies will recognize a change in adults and possibly other children around them and may be more needy.

Infant hand being held

Preschoolers

Most children in the preschool age group see death as temporary and reversible. They may think the deceased people will come back from the dead like cartoon characters. They might even ask questions like, “When is grandma going to be done being dead?" Preschoolers may be significantly impacted by the emotions of those around them, especially those with the closest bonds, like caregivers and siblings.

Pre-School Age Children May:


  • Alternate between showing grief and playing normally.
  • Ask direct and sometimes uncomfortable questions about death.
  • Become emotionally erratic or “act out”.
  • Have bad dreams or nightmares.
  • Experience changes in patterns around eating, sleeping, cooperation, becoming clingy, and toileting.
  • Have trouble making choices.
Preschool girl hugging mom

Elementary School Age

The age and emotional development of a child will influence the way they experience grief and how adults need to address their grief experience.

Most children in this age group have begun to understand death as a permanent event. They may regard death as a more personal threat to their individual safety, develop a fear of dying themselves, or resort to “preventive” behaviors to “protect” themselves from death, such as aligning themselves with someone they think can protect them, or focusing on being “brave”, or being “good”. Others may simply withdraw socially and/or emotionally from others.

Elementary School Age Kids May:

  • Ask detailed questions.
  • Play games that include pretending to die.
  • Blame themselves for the death.
  • Be angry at anyone involved in the death.
  • Experience disturbances in sleep, appetite, school performance, or have physical responses like headaches and tummy aches.
  • Become emotionally erratic or “act out” in place of talking things out.
  • Worry about what friends might think of them.
  • Feel alone like no one else has ever experienced this before.
Father and son reading books

Middle School Age

Most Middle School children have an awareness that death happens to everyone at some point, they may believe secretly hold the hope that it mostly happens to old people. This age group may have problems concentrating on schoolwork, trouble following directions, and difficulty in performing daily tasks.

Middle School Age Children May:

  • Be fascinated with details (even gory ones) around a death.
  • Request facts and information around things related to the death.
  • Experience many emotions: rage, revenge, guilt sadness, relief, and/or worry to name a few.
  • Have nightmares or intrusive thoughts.
  • Express physical complaints: headaches, stomachaches, and body pain.
  • Have increased anxiety or worry about the safety of themselves or others.
  • Withdraw from social situations.
  • Be extra sensitive to change including physical surroundings.
Middle school boy stressed with notebook in hands and face

High School

While teenagers understand and perceive death in closely the same way as adults, they may express their grief differently. They may react in more dramatic ways or adopt reckless behaviors in an attempt to “defy” death. Reckless driving, smoking, drinking alcohol, taking illegal drugs, or having unprotected sex may all be forms of “acting out” their anxieties and feelings of grief.

Thoughts of suicide may sometimes be present in a teen that is having trouble processing his or her loss. Warning signs of suicide in children and teens may include a preoccupation with death, having thoughts or openly talking about suicide, or giving away belongings.

Parents/Caregivers of teens who have lost a loved one should be aware of any changes in their child’s behavior and should seek professional counseling immediately for the child if they feel their child may be in danger.

High School Age Adolescents May:

  • May exhibit disruptive behaviors like fighting, verbal, or physical.
  • Not want to go to school.
  • Experience physical symptoms like stomachaches/nausea, headaches, tiredness etc.
  • Be preoccupied with death.
  • Need to check in more frequently with surviving family and friends.
  • Become anxious about the future.
  • Worry about what friends might think of them.
  • Feel alone like no one else has ever experienced this before.
  • Need more attention.
  • Experience a wide range of emotions.
High School girl grieving

What caregivers can do to help children and youth in all age groups:

  • Take care of yourself.
  • Listen to and talk with them.
  • Include them in the decisions when appropriate.
  • Provide a safe and secure environment.
  • Allow for expression through art, reading, storytelling, music, & dance etc.
  • Offer ways to maintain a connection to the deceased.
  • Remember grief responses are as unique as every individual, allow for a range of responses.
  • Provide extra attention when needed.
  • Seek professional support like children & youth bereavement programs, individual therapists, school counselors, and children/youth grief camps.

A note about children and youth with either intellectual or neurodevelopmental differences.

Death and all the changes that occur afterwards can bring uncertainty which is hard for many people and even more so for children and youth with intellectual or neurodevelopmental differences. Unexpected or new events, disruptions to routines, behavior changes in family and friends and facing new sensory processing demands are all potential stressors for a young person with intellectual or developmental differences. Educators and the care team may be able to help with keeping some level of consistency. Please reach out for support.



These are just a few tips on what you as a caregiver may face following a death someone close to your child(dren) and/or youth. Grief is a very personal and individual experience. We invite you to tailor these tips in a way that best suits your family and unique situation.

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