Is There Still Value in a Funeral Ceremony?

Dawn Emsellem-Wichowski heard about the wind phone in Japan and decided that her property on Sandy Point Ave in Portsmouth would be a perfect spot for one here on Aquidneck Island. “We live right on the Aquidneck Land Trust and people are walking by all the time.” She said, “It's sort of like on the spine of the island. It's on the crest along East Main Road and so it's windy all the time. I thought a wind phone is perfect here.” The original wind phone was created in Japan by Itaru Sasaki after losing his cousin to cancer. He purchased an old-fashioned phone booth and set it up in his garden. According to the My Wind Phone website , Sasaki found comfort, connection and healing amid his grief when using the phone to speak with his cousin. Sasaki gave his phone booth a name, Kaze No Denwa, which can be translated into English as The Telephone of the Wind. A year later on March 11th, 2011, the most powerful earthquake in recorded history hit Japan, which caused a series of tsunamis. Nearly 20,000 people lost their lives. The city of Ōtsuchi was one of the worst hit places by the tsunami, which is close to Sasaki’s residence and his wind phone became a way for many to reflect on their grief and connect with lost loved ones. “And it was profound, its impact. It extended beyond him being able to talk to his cousin after the tsunami, people started coming to talk to their loved ones that they had lost.” Emsellen-Wichowski said. “I kind of wanted to make an American version of this.” According Emsellen-Wichowski, the idea “fermented” in her head for a couple of years and then she found her phone booth. “I kept an eye out for a phone booth on Facebook Marketplace for like a year or two and found one in Providence.” She said, “This guy had it in his garage, and it was his cousin’s, and his cousin had gotten it from a bank that was downtown, and it was on his porch for like ten years.” The phone booth is what people older than 30 might remember from yesteryear that was used to make calls in the pre-cellphone era. Unlike traditional phone booths, the phone inside this booth is bright red and the area surrounding the booth is filled with flowers and other plants to make it a more private experience. “I had a very particular vision of the rotary dial. I wanted like a candy apple, red rotary dial phone.” Emsellen-Wichowski said. The idea kept percolating in her head and then the COVID-19 pandemic hit. “And I just was hearing all these stories of people who had lost loved ones and weren't able to do the usual mourning that one does where everybody gets together in person and is present and telling stories about the person.” She said. “So that kind of motivated me to get out there. And my husband and I put down a concrete pad and then checked with the town to make sure it was OK and then put the phone there.” Then NBC 10 News came and interviewed Emsellen-Wichowski in 2021 after a family friend reposted something that she had put up about the phone booth. “Since then, people have just sort of stopped by.” She said, “Some people come back on an anniversary. “I have a notebook that I keep there, and I notice sometimes people will say, ‘I came back again this year to talk to dad’ or whatever.” Emsellen-Wichowski said that people will oftentimes leave stones or knickknacks around the phone in honor of their person. “A project I really want to do is get a weatherproof curio cabinet so that people can put things in there,” she said, since the weather does degrade the things that people leave over time.  In the past year, the North Dartmouth High School pottery class came by and left some decorated pieces of pottery and a new cup for the pens that are there for the people to write in the log. “People come by, and you can go for a walk afterwards because it's really beautiful at all times of year.” Emsellen-Wichowski said. She said that the phone booth needs some updates, like the seat inside needs to be redone and the solar fairy lights inside the lamp need to be replaced. She is also going to add a magnetic poetry board and a kinetic sculpture to make the site more kid-friendly. “I have a blackberry patch and I'm going to put a little sign there that says you can pick them,” she said. She also added a porch swing on one side. “So, I've been sort of adding to it to make it so that there are lots of options if people come by and they want to sit in the swing after they visit the phone and stare at the cows.” Emsellen-Wichowski also added that the booth is very private. She never shares anything personal that is written in the log and whenever she notices people heading to the booth, she makes sure to give them their privacy. She understands the importance of giving people the time to grieve in their own way. “There's just so many different ways that people experience grief. As many different ways as people love or have a family.” She said, “There's a lot of diversity and there's also a lot of shared experiences. It's quite moving.” You can find the location of the wind phone on the booth’s Instagram account which is @goosefieldswindphone, or by clicking here .

Mother's Day without a mother can be difficult, even if it wasn't a big holiday before.

On April 15th political scientist and author, Dr. Robert D. Putnam gave a lecture at Salve Regina University called What is the State of American Democracy Today?, which was cosponsored by RENewport , a community collaborative based in Newport. Dr. Putnam is known for his work on how civic engagement in society is a bellwether for the state of democracy. One of his best-known works is Bowling Alone in America: The Collapse and Revival of American Community , which addresses the cultural consequences of dramatically declining rates of participation in America’s civic associations, from religious communities to recreational clubs. The talk was kicked off by an introduction from former U.S. Representative for Rhode Island, David Cicilline who is now the president and chief executive officer of the Rhode Island Foundation. The day prior to the talk, a screening of a documentary about Dr. Putnam’s work called Join or Die was screened at the Jane Pickens Theater. The political scientist began the talk by discussing the current state of our political system and democracy. “I’ve tried very hard in my work to be bipartisan,” he said, mentioning that he has worked with “all three Bush’s” during his career as a political scientist. However, what he did assert is that America today has reached historic levels of political polarization, economic inequality, social isolation and cultural self-centeredness, which is reflected in our current political situation. He explained that the wealth gap that exists now is bigger than it was even in the Gilded Age. The only time similar to what we are going through now was at the turn of the 20th century. What happened after this period was the establishment of social security, the Boys Scouts of America and other civic safety nets. Dr. Putnam explained that the ‘60s were considered a time when Americans were most equal in economic terms, although he was quick to point out the lack of equality for women and people of color. Now, “we are a class-divided society,” he said, not just in economic terms, but in recognition. “We don’t think the person pumping gas is the same as us.” He said. Dr. Putnam suggested that the next time the audience members go to a supermarket checkout or have their gas pumped for them, that they ask themselves, “do I think of that person as an equal?” According to Dr. Putnam, we as a society were able to fix similar problems before, so we should be able to fix the problems we face now. What we need is to engage our youth more to lead these movements, much like what Greta Thunberg has done with climate change, as well as ensure that it is grassroots led. It needs to be bottom-up, not top down. “We should be getting to work locally,” he said. The political scientist also talked about social media’s role in this lack of “social capital” as he calls civic engagement. Studies have shown that social media platforms like X and Facebook are designed to favor outrage and anger over other types of messaging, as well as foster in people feeling of increased isolation and loneliness. Face-to-fact engagement just cannot be replaced by a virtual reality. According to Dr. Putnam, what we need is a renewed sense of moral obligation to fix our society. “It won’t get fixed this time unless you and your children and students take up this moral calling,” he said as he addressed the full auditorium. “I think for sure there is the desire to fix the problem,” he continued. Dr. Putnam concluded the talk saying that he was hopeful for the future and paraphrased the late English Rabbi Lord Jonathan Sacks that optimism is a passive virtue, but hope is an active one. Hopefully we can all be more hopeful!

Shrinking is a series that came out this year on Apple TV+ and those of us that have watched it at Memorial Funeral home loved it! The series is irreverent in many ways and if you are not a fan of shall we say, mature (or perhaps immature) humor, then it might not be the … Shrinking: a show about grief and laughter Read More » The post Shrinking: a show about grief and laughter appeared first on Newport RI | Memorial Funeral Home.

When a loved one passes away — no matter how expected their passing might be –the list of things that need to be done can be overwhelming. That is why it is important to share the load with friends and family. The only way to get through it all is to divide and conquer. Hopefully, … First Steps After Someone Dies Read More » The post First Steps After Someone Dies appeared first on Newport RI | Memorial Funeral Home.

I am a fan of stand-up comedy and one comedian I enjoy is Rob Delaney. He is not for the faint of heart as he pushes many envelopes and is quite gritty. A few years back he disappeared from stand-up which caused me to search for him. He was working on a show in London, and I learned that he and his wife, Leah, had lived through the unbearable loss of their two-year-old son Henry to brain cancer in 2018. They experienced the insufferable death of their precious sweet bundle of joy, and the cruel reality that we are not in charge of what happens to us and those we love. After the death of my husband (almost 10 years ago) I found reading about loss experiences of others to be a comfort. It may seem odd or like I was seeking out more pain and suffering, but really what I was searching for was company, I was tired of feeling alone in my grief. Books like Delaney’s make me feel less isolated. Delaney wrote about the experience in A Heart That Works in 2022. Should you choose this book, buckle up as it is not easy on the eyes or ears and yet I can imagine for some it might bring inexplicable comfort for those who have experienced a loss like his. He gives voice to a painful and true-life event that happens to families across the globe that are often relegated to pediatric hospitals, hospices facilities, and private homes. I appreciate and applaud his bravery for letting us into his tender, vulnerable, and intimate life. Delaney has definite opinions about the world in which we live, especially around healthcare in the US and he makes no bones about it in his real-life comparison to the free public healthcare accessible to all residents in the UK, where his family lives. He swears a lot and if that bothers you, I recommend you pass on this short work of art and testament to his love for family and especially for his late son Henry. Some of the descriptions are hard to witness about the medical aspects of Henry’s illness, treatment, and death. Delaney’s candor is both arresting and refreshing, he does not mince words or worry about you as a reader. He paints a realistic picture of the devastating and overwhelming experiences of hospital life with a toddler struggling through brain cancer and tempers it with effortless gratitude and grace. Delaney, originally from New England, is now in his late ‘40s and has struggled with depression and alcoholism in his life. In this book, he is able to shine a light for us on lessons that surface about life and death. His humanity is raw and unedited, and he shares it with those of us who decide to witness it. If you take a risk listening to or reading his memoir let us know what you think.

Now, there might be a new option for the eco-conscious

We have decided to add a book review section to our newsletter upon occasion that relates to themes around death, dying, and bereavement. I did not quite realize exactly how many books are related to these topics. I thought I would have to search harder, but the books keep falling across my path.  Recently, I was playing Wingspan online with a friend who lives in Washington State, and she mentioned the book she was currently reading. She and I often enjoy the same books, so I knew I had to reserve Maybe You Should Talk to Somone by Lori Gottlieb through the Libby library app. This book is considered a genre I have never seen before: Memoir/Self-Help. I wholeheartedly agree with this label. I felt entertained, deeply moved, and self-reflective. I was never bored, and it was challenging to motivate myself to do things other than read this 835-page tome. Since I read the last page, I miss the author’s voice and the clients she so thoroughly captures on the pages. Gottlieb toggles back and forth throughout the book between her own individual therapy after an unexpected break-up (loss again!), as well as the clients she sees in her private practice. It is such a pleasure to see all the people depicted change and grow even when those changes are tiny. We follow the story of a young cancer patient and all the loss that follows such a journey. We are stunned to see the death of a child in a car accident and the grief of the surviving parents. We see people who are emotionally inaccessible become less armored and why they put on defenses in the first place. We see people who have lived long lives riddled with mistakes and the hurt that is sometimes born from them. We see people grow up and take responsibility for their own actions or inaction. We see people own their emotional baggage and turn their lives around. Ultimately this is a book about finding meaning in all our moments no matter how close we are to our own mortality. Many people wonder how we who work in funeral service can do what we do each day; they wonder if it is too depressing. For me it is often sad and reminds me how important it is to choose life and to live each moment as we don’t know how long we get. Working with death and the bereaved helps me to remember how critical it is to make positive use of my time on earth. I am working towards being less afraid that my life is likely more than half over. This work has me thinking about my bucket list, what is on yours? Following the next funeral, memorial, or celebration of life you attend I invite you to really reflect on how you are living your one precious life, right now. Thanks, Mary Oliver. I hope you will consider reading. Maybe You Should Talk to Someone to give you a little perspective. You know what they say, use it or lose it.

Why? You might say.